okay jack
8/2/2006
i was falling through the clouds when my aunt kate appeared like a TV tiny angel/tiny devil on my right shoulder.
"i could call kellen and ask him what that mantra he uses is," she suggested. i accepted and she disappeared for a moment, then came back.
"it's 'state of hawaii'," she said, and disappeared again.
"state of hawaii, state of hawaii," i whispered fervently, flapping my arms hugely. my fall was now a controlled soar. i was moving like a condor.
i landed gently in a cuyahoga falls parking lot, post-rainfall. the asphalt had grass poking through it in places. i noticed a drive-thru 7-11 at one corner and walked up to the light-up menu.
they only had three kinds of slurpee: blue raspberry, red cherry, and a green vanilla-flavored one called Росси́я. i hate vanilla, but i said "could i have a small Росси́я slurpee?" to the box anyway, because what the hell was 7-11 thinking trying to sell a green vanilla slurpee? also, cherry is boring and blue raspberry doesn't taste like anything in particular.
i waited around for my total but the box didn't say anything.
"sorry, could i have a small Росси́я slurpee?" i said. the box stayed silent and it finally occurred to me to walk over to the 7-11 and check whether anyone was there.
i leaned into a window. it looked dusty and old inside, like it probably wasn't in business anymore, and a sign on the door said "9AM-11PM" anyway (it was before 7AM). who the fuck ever heard of a 7-11 that closes at night?
[at this point i walk down the road to the amazon river with a floating hospital, where i find out from the least tactful person in subconscious history that a family member is dying.]
i got out my cell phone and called American Airlines, trying to get onto the next flight out of tucson, preferably at a bereavement rate and in such a way as to not cause huge government reimbursement problems because the DOE has already paid for my preexisting flight out. the airline set me up, so i ran outside and flagged down a venice-style amazon-river boat-bus.
"where to?" asked the driver.
"the airport," i said, explaining my emergency.
the asshole dropped me off on a tiny, isolated island, laughing as he sped away.
the river was overflowing its banks, but i knew if i wanted to get back to cleveland in time i had to get to the airport immediately. so i forded it, hitting the sidewalk running.
on the sidewalk there was a deadly snake every three square feet or so. i crushed a coral snake that lunged at me (hearing the family member's voice in my head: "red touches black, you're OK, jack; red touches yellow, you're a dead fellow") and kept running.
i was falling through the clouds when my aunt kate appeared like a TV tiny angel/tiny devil on my right shoulder.
"i could call kellen and ask him what that mantra he uses is," she suggested. i accepted and she disappeared for a moment, then came back.
"it's 'state of hawaii'," she said, and disappeared again.
"state of hawaii, state of hawaii," i whispered fervently, flapping my arms hugely. my fall was now a controlled soar. i was moving like a condor.
i landed gently in a cuyahoga falls parking lot, post-rainfall. the asphalt had grass poking through it in places. i noticed a drive-thru 7-11 at one corner and walked up to the light-up menu.
they only had three kinds of slurpee: blue raspberry, red cherry, and a green vanilla-flavored one called Росси́я. i hate vanilla, but i said "could i have a small Росси́я slurpee?" to the box anyway, because what the hell was 7-11 thinking trying to sell a green vanilla slurpee? also, cherry is boring and blue raspberry doesn't taste like anything in particular.
i waited around for my total but the box didn't say anything.
"sorry, could i have a small Росси́я slurpee?" i said. the box stayed silent and it finally occurred to me to walk over to the 7-11 and check whether anyone was there.
i leaned into a window. it looked dusty and old inside, like it probably wasn't in business anymore, and a sign on the door said "9AM-11PM" anyway (it was before 7AM). who the fuck ever heard of a 7-11 that closes at night?
[at this point i walk down the road to the amazon river with a floating hospital, where i find out from the least tactful person in subconscious history that a family member is dying.]
i got out my cell phone and called American Airlines, trying to get onto the next flight out of tucson, preferably at a bereavement rate and in such a way as to not cause huge government reimbursement problems because the DOE has already paid for my preexisting flight out. the airline set me up, so i ran outside and flagged down a venice-style amazon-river boat-bus.
"where to?" asked the driver.
"the airport," i said, explaining my emergency.
the asshole dropped me off on a tiny, isolated island, laughing as he sped away.
the river was overflowing its banks, but i knew if i wanted to get back to cleveland in time i had to get to the airport immediately. so i forded it, hitting the sidewalk running.
on the sidewalk there was a deadly snake every three square feet or so. i crushed a coral snake that lunged at me (hearing the family member's voice in my head: "red touches black, you're OK, jack; red touches yellow, you're a dead fellow") and kept running.
Labels: family, jumping over snakes, Occam's, random jerks, unusual food
posted by Kat at 4:52 PM
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